When in doubt, put ketchup on it
- John DeSantis
- Jan 17, 2020
- 3 min read
Getting a toddler to eat something, anything can prove difficult at times. Getting them to eat something you want them to eat can be harder than trying to explain the plot of a Terrence Malick movie to someone in a foreign language after 5 drinks. There's a certain amount of treachery and misdirection needed in trying to present a meal that is anything but dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, cereal, or certain types of pasta (mostly mac and cheese). Am I proud of such treachery and deception? No. Does my child need to eat to stay alive? Yes. Should I feel bad about presenting a meal for which I may not have disclosed all the key ingredients? No.
Our 5 year old son likes ravioli, mainly because they contain two of his favorite ingredients: pasta and cheese. With the addition of sauce, you are given an edible camouflage that can prove to be as effective as a Navy Seal team under cover of darkness with a 10:1 Seal to infidels ratio. There are varieties of ravioli (and even pierogies) that are made with spinach and still enough cheese to cover up the fact that you're feeding them something that would otherwise make them dry heave if they knew it was within grabbing distance of their plate. There may be more out there but I stopped at spinach because he ate it once and now I go back to that well to tell myself he's eating vegetables. Me good dad.
If you want to take your disappearing vegetable game to a David Blaine level, you can try the types of pasta that are actually made out of vegetables. Some of these varieties are green or red in color, but as long as you cover it with sauce and grated cheese before presenting it to your hemorrhoid of a young eater, they won't know the difference. There are also questionable things like cauliflower fries, but they taste like they sound and you'll have an easier time sneaking riced cauliflower into some eggs or meatballs.
That leads to my next point: many kids love ketchup. Not all of them do (our 3 year old loathes it), but if they love it they really love it. Put it on most anything and they'll eat it. The taste of something like cauliflower hiding in eggs is easily masked when it's covered in ketchup. You may have French toast for dinner at times, or find yourself sweating over crafting turkey meatballs with little bits of boiled carrots and spinach hidden in them, but you're maintaining directive 1: keeping your kid not hungry. If your kids like chocolate milk give them Ovaltine. The packaging tells me there are vitamins and minerals in it. I guess that’s better than giving them a sleeve of cookies.
Our three year old will mainly eat peanut butter sandwiches, chicken nuggets, ravioli with no sauce on them, pasta with no sauce on it, French fries, apples covered in peanut butter, bananas, saltines, Oreos, Honey Nut Cheerios, graham crackers, and those little puréed fruit pouches that sneak vegetables into them. Any discourse from these things is usually going to end with a temporary work stoppage on eating. George Carlin once referred to the term “fussy eater” as a euphemism for “big pain in the ass.” Truer words have never been spoken.
You've done your work today, they’ve eaten something. Now go relax and have a beer when you have some time, which will be never.
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