Dating in the deluge
- John DeSantis
- Nov 25, 2019
- 3 min read
The case of the intimate roommate, also known as: my spouse and I spend all our energy and resources on our kids, work, and home until there're nothing left for us. If I'm not getting much sleep as my kids siphon whatever is left of my daily energy and attention after I get home from work, what's left of me is akin to the cold, soggy French fry or two at the bottom of a fast food bag once your meal has been consumed. Sure you'll eat these pitiful fries, but it doesn’t have the same delicious zeal as that fresh hot fry that stood at attention in the container waiting for consumption. Figuratively speaking, my kids ate the cheeseburger, sucked down the soda, and ate all those hot fresh fries while my wife is left digging around for those sorry ass bag fries. This represents the last remnants of my attention span and thoughtfulness for that day as I pour my third, fourth, or fifth cup of coffee just to keep myself from falling asleep sitting up at 8:30pm. This can lead to many nights of frustration whether it be aimed at each other, your kids, the world around you. Sure, you're blessed beyond your wildest dreams, you have a family, you have a love and mutual respect that takes you pretty far in raising kids and keeping it going, or just keeping it together in all other aspects of your life. This certainly seems like a first world problem. Still, in these moments the easy way to soldier on is taking your standard operating manual (your family's routine or pieces of it that work enough to get you through) and setting it to auto-pilot. Often I think people do this thinking it assures nothing can get worse. Impossible as it seems, making time with your partner if you have one is a parental necessity. Even if you take the 30-90 minutes of lucidity you have left after putting your kids to bed to complain about what they did that day, or how they frustrated you, it's at the very least reassuring to know you're steering this ship with a co-captain by your side. Getting a date night where you can is another important luxury, so hopefully you have some kind friends, relatives, or neighbors willing to lend a hand every now and then to help make that possible. An effective trick to these date nights I've found is setting them up as early as possible; you don't need to be a hero that's staying out until midnight. You'll have more meaningful conversation and moments with your significant other in the times of the day your eyes aren't growing weary and glazing over, and you won't be regretting staying out too late when your kids forget to do you the favor of sleeping in the next day. Getting home around 9 also means your kids will (hopefully) be in bed when you get there, extending your date to a few quiet hours at home. Your babysitter will find it considerate of you to not completely hijack their Saturday night, even if they’re too exhausted to go out after watching your kids anyway, but they'll appreciate the gesture.
Single parents can take the same approach, only make time for yourself with a similar approach. Do something you enjoy with friends, or by yourself. Couples have a bit of an easier time making time to do things for themselves when they have the other to lean on with childcare duties during that time, but single parents need to treat that time of solitude as their own personal “date night,” or “me time,” or “living your best life” time, or “don’t want to get so drained you accidentally almost feed your kid dog food in their cereal bowl” time.
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